


In the Land of Snow and Sorrow

by goodnightfern (orphan_account)



Series: Edifying Discourses in Diverse Spirits [2]
Category: Pingu, Supernatural
Genre: Bestiality, Discussions of mental illness, Heavy Angst, M/M, Pingu AU, Vegetable Gardens, graphic depictions of seal eating, lucifer/vegetable, where the North Pole is Heaven and the South Pole is Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 10:42:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6235513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/goodnightfern
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in the freezing winds of the antarctic where roots find no purchase in the ice warm hearts beat between in feathered forms. you get the picture.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Land of Snow and Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> Note: They are speaking the Pingu language that the penguins in the claymation cartoon speak. I have studied this language for years and can say I am comfortably fluent so please don't correct me on the language and grammar ok im a fluent pinguinaloo

Sam always figured he was going to Hell, what with that whole demon-blood shebang. It's not that bad. Sure, it's cold in Antarctica, but his new penguin body is perfectly suited to the environment. According to Dean, Heaven in the North Pole was where it was at, but being a polar bear didn't sound nearly as cool. Especially with all the melting ice up there. Dean only liked Heaven because he was getting fucked by an angel all the time. Once you'd seen Santa's workshop you'd really seen all there was to see in Heaven. Penguins, on the other hand, knew how to fucking party. 

Right now, though? Heaven isn't sounding so bad.

"Kaa, babjoo!" Sam wiped his forehead with his flipper, dropping his iceaxe to the ground. "Nyook nyook!" he calls, and one of the demons standing by comes up with a fresh mojito. Sam downs it in a single gulp and scowls down at Lucifer where the horned penguin is still trying to form furrows out of the ice. "Shojami baba, shojami."

"Shookaloo, shookaloo," Lucifer says plaintively. "Ala paku baba, amana shi jo paku." 

"Ooo, nyut, parakalo? Vara bis so loma, shaka lach ah no baba. Para qu? Kama qui? Alo vrasi alo madeh, kisho." Just to drive his point home, Sam picks up his iceaxe only to hurl it away, accidentally killing some other random demon. Hopping on the snow-plow, he throws a cursory glance back at Lucifer, still squatting in the ice field. Already all of the plants he picked up from a Wal-Mart run are starting to crust over with ice. Only Lucifer would try to build a fucking vegetable garden in the middle of frozen Hell. Even the crowd of demons has started to disperse, the view of their Leader scrabbling around on this idiotic mission just too pathetic and miserable to watch.

"Nyook nyook," Lucifer calls sadly. 

With one flipper Sam flips him off. Maybe he's being a bad boyfriend, but whatever. He's been supportive of this shit for three days now, and there's only so much he can take. Sam rides all the way to the edge of the ice floe and leaps into the Pacific Ocean. It's a long swim, but when you're the Devil's boyfriend and a demonic penguin, there's a few perks. He's at the North Pole within the hour, breezing past the Pearly Ice Walls into Heaven and knocking on Dean and Castiel's igloo.

"Nyook nyook!"

"Dude, we can't speak your penguin language," Dean says when he opens the door.

"Right, sorry," Sam says. The words sound strange in his beak. 

"You hungry? We're about to eat lunch."

Inside, Castiel glances up from digging his claws into a dead seal. Blood is smeared bright across his white muzzle. "Sam!" he chirps. "Get inside here before another polar bear thinks you're prey."

Sam waddles in and sits down before the seal with a sigh. He prefers fish, and his beak really isn't up to tearing apart a carcass like that. Noticing his discomfort, Dean grabs a fork and a knife for him, but Sam just pushes it away. "What's wrong, man?" Dean asks. "Are you -"

"Fucking Lucifer," Sam says. 

"You can say that again," Castiel mutters around a mouth full of blood. "What'd he do this time?"

"He wants to have a vegetable garden. In Antarctica. And he's been at this shit for days."

"Oh, an indoor garden?" Cas asks.

"No, like an actual farm. He's out there with an axe trying to put plants in the fucking ice. I think he's really lost it this time."

"Jesus, what a crazy fuck," Dean says. 

"Lucifer hasn't fully recovered from his time in the Cage," Cas reprimands. "Don't use such hurtful, ableist terminology." Licking blood of his paws, he glares at Dean, who curls up in a little polar bear ball with a grunted apology. 

"I just don't get his fixation with vegetables all of the sudden," Sam says. "And he doesn't want any kelp. I told him we could have a lovely seaweed garden in the ocean, but nooo, he wants carrots. He needs carrots. And beets and daikon and I don't even know what else. He sent away for a bunch of seeds and started sprouting them on rockwool cubes in our igloo and now we've got all these little seedlings and he puts them in the ice and they all. fucking. die. I spent all day yesterday driving across the South Pole and I couldn't even find a single grocery store that had root vegetables. I don't know what to do!"

Cas picks at seal intestines stuck in his teeth with a massive claw. "Wait, so is this a hobby for him, or does he just want vegetables? If we can just find some vegetables for him..."

"Dude," Sam says. "I opened his Dream Book? Nothing but drawings of carrots."

"So we just need to get him some carrots, then," Cas says.

Dean laughs. "That shouldn't be too hard. Dude, let's go get some carrots."

"Are you kidding me? I'm a penguin. You guys are polar bears. Even if we could visit the land of the living, what are we gonna do, just walk into a grocery store? Rob a farm? We'd get sent to the zoo. Nyook Nyook." Propping his head up on his flippers, Sam ponders. 

Dean and Castiel exchange significant looks. 

"Sam..." Cas begins.

Oh, right. Hello, angel?

With a sudden explosion of light Cas transforms into his human-shaped vessel. The angel Grace doesn't burn out Sam or Dean's eyes because it only hurts human eyes, not undead polar bear or penguin eyes. Two black wings arc from his back, and he flaps them once - vanishes.

A fluttering sound - 

And a five-pound sack of carrots drops to the ground. 

Cas snaps back into his polar bear form, wings missing, and snuggles up with Dean. "Alright, get out of here," he tells Sam. "Dean always gets horny when he sees me in my human form."

"You're god damn right I do," Dean growls, pouncing. 

Sam grabs his carrots and belly-slides out of there as fast as he can.

By the time he makes it back to the South Pole the ice field is abandoned. Sam approaches the igloo with trepidation, knocking first. "Wagahh," Lucifer calls sullenly. 

"Abibiblu," Sam says, and opens the door. Lucifer is smoking his pipe and rocking in the chair by the fire, tearing pages of his Dream Book up and tossing them into the flames. "Oh, nana picchu?" 

"Mah?" Lucifer looks up, bleary-eyed. "Sam? Gah...gala...galanasht! Kloopi, kloopi, kloopi!" Leaping from the chair, he drops his Dream Book and runs to scoop Sam between his flippers. "Ohhh, joowre tulo."

Sam laughs, opens up the bag of carrots since Lucifer seems too excited to actually do it himself. "Joowre," he agrees. Lucifer stares at the carrot in awe.

He doesn't eat it, much to Sam's surprise. Instead, he sudden;y turns and grabs the Dream Book. Sam has flipped through it a couple of times, but now Lucifer turns to the second to last page and turns the book around to Sam.

Oh. 

So that's what he wanted the carrot for.

"Look," Sam says, dropping out of the Pingu language. "Can we just do this in our human forms?"

"But -"

"I'll do penguin sex. I'll have all the penguin sex you want. But I am not doing penguin/vegetable shit."

"Nyooook nyooook," Lucifer says, turning away sadly. With a loud sigh, Sam grabs him by the flipper. 

"Right, fine. But just this once, alright? Shooshoo, malama?"

"Shooshoo," Lucifer breathes, and pulls Sam into an awkward beaked kiss. 

As it turns out, the carrot fits just fine in a cloaca.

**Author's Note:**

> OKay this is for[coldest hits](http://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com/) and I just I don't know I wasnt planning on entering this month but then i smoked too much of the devils lettuce and went into a pingu coma and thought 'what if.... what if someone wrote a pingu fanfiction but actually wrote complete gibberish. wow. that sure would be amusing to no one but myself'


End file.
